Wednesday, July 15, 2009

band constitution 3A

synthesizers and singing will not be permitted .
multiple keyboards are not permitted .
in fact sean wayland will only be permitted to use ONE NOTE . The note will be an acoustic piano string and hammer assembly . The NOTE will be UNAMPLIFIED . The piano that the note is taken from will be selected by an imperial council consisting of pianists who refuse any electronic keyboard or stylistic device concieved after 1948 . A second commitee will be chosen via secret ballot and religous preferences to decide which variety and strength of marijuana may smoke before choosing the piano NOTE . One standardised US "cone" is permitted before choice . Committee members are encouraged to play Chess during choice ( no pawns, knights, rooks , or queens allowed ) . The piano that the note is selected from must be a maple wood Steiwnway "B" . The trees used to build the piano must be from New York state . The piano chosen must have been used on a selected list of 1948 archive recordings of Elmo Hope or Dodo Marmarosa ( chosen by independant scientific double blind control experiment ) . Rueckert will use only ONCE cymbal . No other drums , but one stick is permitted ( no plastic tip ) . The cymbal must be "OLD JOHNSON" a legendary old "K" that baby dods discovered under a sleeping turkish woman in Bakırköy . Charette is permitted 3 notes . 2 for walking bass (pedals only ) , and 1 for comping/soloing . The 3 notes will be chosen by the widows of legendary american organ players . The deceased organ players must have used foot pedals . "Walking" bass using left hand by BC is frowned upon . An all vacuum tube amplifier must be used for the organ if edison phonograph horn is insufficient . The organ amplifier tubes will be chosen by committee . The aforementioned committee will be selected by similarity of DNA to median jewish new york ancestry , paying particular reference to hair "curlyness" . Preference will be given to tightly coiled or 'kinky' natural afro type hair which may have evolved to prevent the entry of UV light into the body during the gradual transition period towards the evolution of dark skin .

Sheet music is frowned upon .

In case of "utterances" and vocalisations unwittingly expelled during improvisation which may be deemed in breach of "singing" ban , each band member will recieve one stick of board designated chewing gum . The chewing gum will contain no sugar . The gum board will consist of a panel of experts including board members from wrigleys , adam nussbaum and joe locke . Any references to gum in advertisements will use the older brand name "orbit" for the sugarless product , unless Australian Lizz Smilie can be found to reenact the pronunciation of "extra" with charateristic lisp . American "voice-over" artist with imitation Australian accent and lisp is not permitted except on tuesdays .

Advertising , flyers , posters , spam is not permitted . Exception is that gig may be mentioned in "cadence" magazine gig calendar .

The band will not mention "the war"

One audience member is permitted ( not wearing any rock band "merch" ) .


No mixing "in the box" .

An engineer may be present , but said engineer must have a degree and wear a white coat . Engineer is permitted to drink English breakfast tea and eat Arnott's brand biscuits . The engineer's hearing must not be disturbed by any mood altering substances . Les Paul is permitted as assistant engineer for authenticity purposes if still breathing at time of recording .

There will be no "overdubs" or edits .

The "album" must be recorded in less than 3 hours .

First "take" which band manages to perform written " head" with no mistakes must be used . No further "takes" permitted .

Voicings , intros , outros , shout choruses , vamps , repeat signs etc is not permitted from single page of music allowed for composition . Tunes based on 1930's popular music preferred. 32 bars preferred ( with 3 times tag for ending ) .

Page of music used must be "lead sheet" . Chord symbols are permitted above melody ( no maj7 chords with alterations ) . 6th chords should be given preference to major 7th if possible . Music must be memorised before performance . No sheet music is permitted in the studio building . No photocopiers or music notation software . Sheet must be notated by union member "copyist" by hand with 3B pencil . "Eraser" or "rubbers" not permitted .

No "modal" or "free" playing is not permitted .

Drummers chart may use the term " elvinish" , but never "straight - 8 " , " ECM " , "funk" or " jungle " .

If engineer runs out of biscuit's and tea and has ability and ingredients to make a "Sazerac" , then a "bossa-nova" may be recorded . Sazerac must use an "old-fashioned", Western-style glass prepared with absinthe or pastis .

Album must be released on "vinyl" .

Use of any A-D converter is strictly prohibited and punishable . Punishment will be 35 year sentence for entire band and engineer . For duration of sentence Band and engineer will be confined to the offending recording studio . Band must survive on cocktails and Arnott's " Monte Carlo" biscuits and will be forced to listen to an exerpt of Terry Riley's "At C " continuously . Excerpt will be put into runout groove of 78 looping back into itself .

Turntable motor must run at 3600 rpm with a 46:1 gear ratio to produce 78.26 rpm. In parts of the world that used 50 Hz current, the 77.92 rpm is acceptable (3000 rpm with a 38.5:1 ratio), this is the speed at which a strobe disc with 77 lines would "stand still" in 50 Hz light (92 lines for 60Hz)

Long Playing vinyl is prohibited .

Runout groove looping back into itself ala "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" , unless written member is granted from members of "The Beatles" still breathing at time of issue .

"Stereo" is not permitted . Any distributed recording must be mono only .

One "ribbon" mic is permitted set to "omni" with no pop-filters or "blimps" .

Vacuum tube preamp is permitted , but no other circuitry or equalization .

Compression and RIAA curve may be used during one-step "mastering process" ( computer not permitted ) to limit damage to vinyl from needle .

The microphone may not me "moved" , but musicians and instruments may be moved in relation to microphone .

No "click-tracks" . Mechanical design of metronome is permitted to check tempo before red light is on .

Microphone must be calibrated at the Physikalisch-Technische Bundesanstalt (PTB) based in Braunschweig ( not Berlin ) . Both German atomic clock CS2 and the longwave time signal DCF77 must be in agreement .

One pistonphone is acceptable for calibration . This is an acoustical calibrator (sound source) using a closed coupler to generate a precise sound pressure for the calibration of instrumentation microphones. Pistonphone must not be used for any other purpose .

Piston must be mechanically driven to move at a specified cyclic rate, on a fixed volume of air to which the microphone under test is exposed. The air is assumed to be compressed adiabatically and the sound pressure level in the chamber can be calculated from internal physical dimensions of the device and the adiabatic gas law, which requires that the product of the pressure P with V raised to the power gamma be constant; here gamma is the ratio of the specific heat of air at constant pressure to its specific heat at constant volume. Test frequency will be 254 Hz.

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